Ad hominem at its finest

What? People read my blog? I don't think this person will see my responses in the comments, so here's a post about it. I apologize for the late reply - nobody checks this blog very often, myself included.

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> Your words, so causally tossed on the page, letting them fall not unlike the remnants of confetti left to clean up after all the guests have gone home, seem to indicate that you have no responsibility in this destruction of another’s heart.

I don't recall denying any sort of responsibility for hurting him. It was a really tough decision to make, but it's easily better for the both of us. Would you suggest I get back together with him and then force myself to fall in love with him? I'm not sure if it works that way.

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> Think back to all of the things you said and did to encourage him. Think back to the mistakes you made, and then went begging for his forgiveness. If you had no intention of loving him, then why did the words drip from your tongue, like a slow working poison that would blacken his heart, albeit a small section?

Given that you're a friend of his, I'm sure that the story is skewed in his favor. I understand the bias and I won't dismiss it, but perhaps you want some clarification from my end.

1. I had tried to end things several times, early on. I made it very clear in the beginning that I wasn't looking for a very serious relationship. I was still thinking about my ex-boyfriend. I'm not trying to blame him for anything. At all. Simply, he took what we had together and molded it into what he desired it to be. I was unable to reciprocate this emotion.

2. The mistakes I made were clear indications that I wasn't ready for a full-fledged relationship with him. Perhaps if we were stronger individuals, things would have ended sooner and we would've been able to walk away from the situation with less drama.

3. I did love him, but perhaps not in a way that he wanted. He's a very caring person and I was very grateful for it. He's courteous and he always put my wants first. It's hard not to appreciate this kind of chivalrous behavior. This gratitude for his actions - is that not love? I had never been with someone as accommodating as him. It was a new sensation to be treated so royally. If I had mistaken that sensation for love, then it is completely my wrongdoing.

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> You need to be more aware of the actions you take, as the world does not revolve around you and your trite blog. Our actions, thoughts and words mold others around us. If you only care about yourself, and what gains you can obtain, without others in mind, you will only make this a very ugly place to live.

I don't recall claiming that the world revolves around me nor my (hey, it's not trite!) blog. I think it might be a little difficult for you to accuse me of this, given that we've probably had minimal interaction with one another and you already have a biased animosity against me. I won't try to qualify myself, seeing as how you are anonymous and I do not know if this will matter to you or even reach you.

But what I will say is that what I did to him was a much better decision than leading him further into what would be a failed relationship. I was not into him as much as he was into me. I did not see a long-term future with him. Certainly I've hurt him now, but how much would it have pained him had I done it later?

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> Yes, it is true that he is better off without you, but can you say the same?

Yes.

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> Reflection and growth should always come when a relationship ends, but your list is nothing but a joke. How can you possibly think that you can choose another partner, when you still carry the drug of another in your blood?

Wait, what? It's solid advice. When did I suggest to find someone new while "carry[ing] the drug of another in your blood"? That's actually almost exactly what I did with him and I've found it to be a grave mistake. Why would I encourage that kind of behavior, especially given the outcome?

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> You are a junkie, a junkie pining away for the rush of more pain.

YEAH, PAIN, FUCK YEEEEEEEEAH.

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> The sweet “nice” boy, who according to you, has no personality, would clearly be a step up from someone who has treated you so poorly, and has left you shattered.

I think you're referencing the following quotes:

"They aren't getting laid - and this isn't because "girls only like jerks," but because the "nice guy" is usually heartbreakingly bland."

"Guess what, you twat: any "jerk" would willingly do that for her, too. The difference is that the "jerk" probably has a personality."

First of all, he's a funny and caring guy. However, this wasn't enough to provide a constant flow of electricity in our relationship. I wasn't feeling any chemistry. I didn't mean to say that he lacks a personality, simply that it didn't mesh well with mine.

Second of all, it's devastatingly simple to focus on one's bad qualities when trying to prove a point. Yes, my ex-boyfriend and I had our major downs - but what relationship doesn't? What he probably didn't tell you is that my ex-boyfriend and I were absolutely in love for almost two years. We were crazy about each other from the beginning. We could not keep our hands off of each other. Yes, he left me for shitty reasons. Yes, he treated me poorly at times. Yes, he was sometimes immature and juvenile. However, this does not change the fact that our feelings towards each other made me feel like I was in heaven. These feelings were not recreated when I was with your friend.

Also, content bias - why would I talk to him about the good times my ex-boyfriend and I shared? And even though I drenched him with all of my negative emotions against my ex-boyfriend (I wasn't over him, dude), I'd still keep it fair. Every time my ex-boyfriend was mentioned, I would always preface it with something along the lines of, "he's a good guy and all, he just needs time to mature."

How can you tell me that it's "clearly a step up" when the emotions I felt towards him were no where near the emotions I felt towards my ex-boyfriend? To be honest, this type of attitude is what kept me with him for so long. Everybody told me that he's a keeper. And that he is a much better boyfriend because he treated me infinitely better. So for the sake of democracy, I decided to stay with him, in spite of the lack of chemistry. As I had said earlier, I have never been with someone as sweet as your friend, so I was unsure about how I was supposed to feel. If it was love, it was easily a platonic love.

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> He will recover, and I am quite sure that in a couple of months, we will only be laughing at your expense, and about how foolish you really were.

So long as he's happy and smiling again, my shame is not concerned. By this point, I'm sure we'll have both found romantic partners that are more suitable for our respective interests.

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> I doubt you will, but I hope you have learned a lesson as well.

I've listed ten. And thanks for your feedback.

what the fuck is that sound

The fact of the matter is that I broke another heart a few weeks ago. I didn't do this on purpose. From his point of view, it was "cold and mechanical." But logically, would it have been better to be more "emotional" about it? Wouldn't the consequences become intensified if I had offered a caring hand to hold throughout this ordeal? Or if I had broken up with him using anger and ugly words? It seems that displaying any sort of emotion - happiness, fear, sadness, disgust - would have easily exacerbated the situation.

I mean, seriously. Come on.

I've tried to convince him that it's better off this way - he should find someone who would reciprocate the feelings that he has to offer. I am unable to do this. And it's not because he's a terrible guy, but mainly because I don't feel a compatibility. In retaliation, he's been sending me some colorful messages. These are the final impressions I'm having of what we had together, dude. And you're really making them sour.

In my attempt to reflect upon this learning experience, I've drafted a list of ten points to consider when looking for a suitable romantic partner. I was feeling too lazy to elaborate on all of them, but hopefully the amount that I have done will serve justice.

1. Know what you want out of your partner.

The types of people who want a serious relationship are much different from the types of people who want a one-night stand, who are in turn much different from the types of people who want to find their soulmate. I'm not one to judge the type of person someone is, but it'd perhaps be in both parties' interests if they were striving for the same finish line. And if this goal isn't made clear from the beginning, you're seriously putting yourself in some deep shit. Being vague or ambiguous about what you want from the other person can only lead to deception, which will result in either (a) hours upon hours of waiting for a phone call or (b) a series of unwanted text messages at ungodly hours.

2. Have a similar sense of humor.

A universal type of humor is painfully difficult to achieve. In my experience, I once didn't find a "funny" individual very "funny" because his humor was targeted more towards his obnoxiously extroverted demographic. He didn't find me very "funny" because he most likely didn't understand my jokes. This wasn't because either of us were "unfunny" - we simply didn't share the same humor. This then created an uncomfortable tether in the relationship. I've found that humor is essential in growing a stronger bond because it induces more laughter, which only results in more smiling, which is a firm indication of happiness.

This isn't to suggest that your partner should be overtly hilarious, but rather that you two could easily benefit in sharing jokes that the both of you can appreciate. A person with a mundane sense of humor will appreciate another person's mundane sense of humor. Similarly, Dane Cook will appreciate an annoyingly loud chick who screams and rips her shirt off at every punch line. This simply makes conversation flow much easier, and seeing as how communication is a key aspect in a successful relationship, humor is a powerful tool.

3. You can't force someone to be interested in you.

If he doesn't like what you have to offer, then you really can't convince him otherwise unless you make some kind of drastic change in your life. Sometimes this change can be an improvement, e.g. making more money, becoming more healthy, focusing on your goals. But other times, it can be a pretty bad decision, e.g. abandoning your religion, denying your culture, becoming a Miley Cyrus fan. It's really up to you if you want to make that leap - but would it really be worth it to change for someone who didn't like you in the first place?

4. If his/her sole redeeming feature is that s/he's "nice," get out of there.

Anyone is capable of being nice to you if they like you enough. "Nice guys" like to complain that they don't get the bitches. They aren't getting laid - and this isn't because "girls only like jerks," but because the "nice guy" is usually heartbreakingly bland. So you buy her everything she wants, you kiss her on the forehead and you listen to all of her stupid problems? Guess what, you twat: any "jerk" would willingly do that for her, too. The difference is that the "jerk" probably has a personality.

Being "nice" is a basic given - you have to offer her more than just being her personal emotional sponge. It's like choosing between a cheeseburger at McDonald's and a Kobe Beef steak. Both are meals, both are beef, both are served to you. But the steak is unforgivingly more expensive, exponentially more delicious, and egotistically more rare. Saying "I'm a nice guy!" is like a cheeseburger advertisement declaring "This is food!" And although they're both forms of food (which is a basic given), there's a huge fucking difference between a cheeseburger at McDonald's and a Kobe Beef steak. Have something more to offer than the basic givens.

5. The relationship should not be difficult.

It's infinitely easier to have similar interests, backgrounds, lifestyles, beliefs, etc. It leads to more understanding. Lack of understanding leads to arguments. Arguments lead to unnecessary stress and pain.

6. Don't waste your time.

If he's not rich, intelligent or goal-oriented, he's probably a waste of your time. If he doesn't stimulate your mind intellectually, he's probably a waste of your time. If he wants to fuck other women while keeping you on the side, he's definitely a waste of your time. Unless you're, like, into that.

7. Don't stay if s/he makes you more unhappy than happy.

Because that's fucking stupid.

8. Trust your instincts.

I've realized that when I am attracted to someone, I feel it almost immediately. I don't know if this applies to everyone, but it seems as though the beacon of interest must be acknowledged early on. If the spark isn't set off within the first five minutes of speaking to someone, then the spark is probably not going to set off. Like, ever. It's a bit difficult to grow feelings for someone unless you were attracted to them in the first place.

9. Touching is required.

If I like to touch you, it means that I like you. If I don't like to touch you, it means that I don't like you.

10. Never fucking settle.

Because if you're not picky and you get into a relationship knowing that it won't be as strong as your previous one, then you'll spend the entire fucking time thinking about the previous one. Do not fucking do this. Always upgrade.

I'll end it on a classic note. Here's an excerpt from Aristophanes' speech in Plato's The Symposium:

"And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and would not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover's intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has only a dark and doubtful presentiment."

food of malice

My sleeping patterns have trailed off from the beaten path; pardon my external justification, but I blame it on the In-N-Out. Or should I say, "In-N-Out." I've realized that these types of hours are my favorite ones to trample on. There's a deafening comfort in the constant humming and clicking and buzzing of post-midnight conventionalities - everything from the pitiful ticking of my $2.99 wall clock from IKEA to the scattering troops of roaches creeping around my shitty studio. Everything is amplified. And dark adaptation has taken full course.

It's actually a bit terrifying when these sounds mesh together in perfect harmony, especially with the possibility of my stuffed animals coming to life. The silence of 4am urges the most insignificant chirps to become apocalyptic roars, and this in turn begs your mind to think louder. And when your mind thinks too loudly, the imagination faces no barriers.

Is this why I can't sleep?

Anyhow, I took the liberty of being semi-productive in between the links and kinks I've come across tonight. See next post.

i think it's like 4am

i'm not sure if you'll ever understand the magnitude of damage you've caused to my ego. even i haven't come to fully comprehend where it originated or how it's been taken so unnecessarily far. of course, i'd hate to blame it all on you. naturally, i'm fully in control of how i feel about myself and only i can take control of solving my self-proclaimed inadequacies.

but it's irrationally disconcerting every time i see (what society considers) an attractive female. i've constantly forced myself to endure through a series of negative thoughts torturing my mind: her overexposed cleavage is worth all of the nights i've cried. her accessible vagina is worth making me feel like complete shit for months upon end. her big earrings, her excessive make-up, her high heels, her short skirt, and her drunken breath lazily hidden underneath half-a-stick of orbit gum - these qualities are chosen over my talent, my intelligence, my happiness, my creativity, my character, and the unconditional love that i once offered you without the blink of an eye.

hollywood wins - i'm ugly.

i'm staying on the 34th floor of a hotel in the heart of times square. the absence of stars is largely disregarded by flashing lights and vivacious colors of red, white and coca cola. perhaps this is coined the city that never sleeps because of the incessant honking of taxi horns. the food is delicious. the hotel is luxurious. the company is warming. and all i can think about is how much you want to fuck the sluts leeching off of their skanky companions - all of them hunting for the next cock that can make use of the sex tips from last month's cosmopolitan.

they were chosen over me?

but i don't want to hate these sluts. i don't even know if they're sluts. although, if you proudly wear the uniform, you probably fit the job. i've been down that road. i know what it's like to crave male attention. i know what it's like to skank it out. it's liberating, it's sexy, it's carefree. simultaneously, it's immature, it's irresponsible, and most of all, it's disrespectful to oneself.

in any case, there's no reason for me to dislike them. they haven't done anything to me. in fact, their wild weekend nights make me appear much smarter, much classier and much more self-respecting in comparison. i should therefore be thankful that i'm not the drunken bitch who has to be piggybacked to some random guy's apartment because i can't walk in my heels. so, thank you to all of the sluts of the world.

and this is the reason why i've decided that it's best that i don't speak to you. any kind of reminder of your existence resurfaces negative feelings about other women and more importantly, about myself. with these degrading notions of physical appearance and female objectification, i've forgotten how to consider myself beautiful. it's disturbing.

we've both grown. we're different people. you want action. you want wild nights. you want the pussy. you're not the geeky programmer i met two summers ago, and i'm sure that that's no longer who you would even like to be anymore. you're not the same guy counting down the days until we'd see each other again. you're not the guy who was interested in me and only me.

whenever you stick your tongue down someone's throat, whenever you push your dick into a random girl's vagina, whenever you lay in bed with your next one-night-stand, cuddling her the way you once lovingly cuddled me, i realize it: you're not the same person i fell in love with.

we've both changed. i guess it's time to grow up.

scribbles

i wrote this on tangible pieces of paper and i never finished them. i'm keeping them here for now.

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i figured that if someone were to write a book about me, it would have to be in the first person. and that i would possibly have to be the one writing it. and that i probably wouldn't let anyone edit it. not even the publisher. fuck the publisher.

pardon me; i usually introduce myself before i let my tongue let loose, but you got it before the end of the first paragraph.

i won't tell you my name yet because it will reveal an unnecessary amount of information about myself: my gender, for one. and my assumed ethnicity, and thus my proposed culture, and thus the statistically-speaking city i live in, and thus my stereotypically favorite foods and thus my bookmarked-on-yelp store where i buy the crappy-collared shirts that i can't stop wearing even though they incessantly scratch the back of my neck.

if i were to reveal my name, it would reveal too much. to literary fanatics, it would reveal my deviously charming personality. to myspace addicts, it will reveal my sex life. to you, however, it will reveal the end of the book.

and if you wanted the end of the book, you'd just pick up the god damn newspaper.

but you don't want that. fortunately, this isn't the newspaper. this is a book - my book. my unedited book. and while reading this book, please take note of my apologies in advance: my eloquence is often hidden in between fragments and curse words.

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the embarrassing truth is that some of my best ideas are scribbled on the back of receipts; in fact, this receipt is from the art store across the street. it's raining tonight, but i had to buy a pen there.

society continues to plead with me to do something more productive (sudoku?), or to finish/start something more important (wikipedia entries?). but how can i focus on anything when i'm busy deciding whether that pretty girl across the room is staring at me, my sandwich, my empty bottles of beer, my unwashed oily hair, or my insecurities?

guiness always exagerrates.

she's really not that pretty. she's just doing a good job of hiding her ugly parts. and i didn't want this seven-dollar sandwich. i just wanted an excuse.

portable lamp

before you go to sleep, a million things run through your head.

like the face of the person you're supposed to call back.

(sometimes.)

mufucka, i'm ill.

i am very frustrated, but i promise that this is not a cry for pity. i'm aware that there are millions of people that are enduring pains far worse than mine, but i hope that doesn't completely discount my temporary illness as a problem. 

i have not seen sunlight since saturday. or sunday. i don't remember. i was feeling a bit more energetic today, so i was hoping to muster up the courage of actually walking outside. but i can't find my keys. and searching for my keys made me irrationally dizzy. i just want to see the fucking sun.

falling asleep is the worst. i constantly feel like somebody is crushing my head. and i can't stop coughing at night time. my attempts at relaxation is interrupted by blood and phlegm. when i do manage to fall asleep, it's only granted in short spurts. i wake up from the slightest noise and i wake up from pressure building in my chest.

i hate waking up. i can't open my eyes because they are welded shut with mucous. whenever i wash my eyes out with water, my heart begins to beat rapidly, and it becomes very difficult to breathe.

i would like to eat, but the slightest thought of food induces vomit. rice seems too heavy for me. i have been craving a cupcake since tuesday, but i fear that stealing its aromas would make me throw up.

will this be over soon?